I Dont Know What This Love Is

Seriously, why do I like you? You have been nothing but rude to me. You wont acknowledge my precise anymore. Why do I like you? Is it because you were one of my first friends in college? Is it because you had confidence in me and you believed in me when other people didn't? Is it because I saw you as not only my guy friend but as someone who I could potential see a future with? I don't know?? Maybe....I'm crazy!?! Maybe I just tolerated the first person that gave me attention? I'll be honest I didn't like you at first, hate to burst your bubble.

Maybe I actually started to believe that there was more to life than the hometown boy. I saw you more than just the stereotype "Fuck Boy." I saw you as a man not a boy. I saw you as someone I could look up to and someone I could trust. I saw the potential in you that I don't think a lot of people saw. But now I just see an asshole so why am I still enchanted to see you? Why am I hoping and praying that you are not in love with someone else? Why does my heart, my heart, stop when I see you? I just can not say HI!?! Infatuation? Maybe. Lust? I can see that. Maybe I wanted someone I couldn't have and you were just an easy escape? I can say this, I fell in love with you quicker than I've fallen in love with anybody else. I think that's the scariest part. How do I let this go? How do I move on? I don't know. I only know that I can't get you out of my head but the funny thing about that is....I don't want to.

Who I Am

I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have been thinking about the past and all of the things that made me who I am today. Have you ever heard that old saying, "The more you run away from your past, the faster it will catch you." I never really understood what this saying meant until now. It really started in the summer. I started to experience some anxiety and feelings of anger. I was just so emotional and it was really scary for me. I was taking it out on everyone that was around me. I was just angry at the world because being in my home town was just drawing out everything that I hated about myself. I'm not going go into detail but let's just take note that what happened, happened. I thought I was over it because I moved on. I'm going to an awesome university. I made incredible new friends that care about me. I did what I said I was going to do when I got to college. I honestly thought I was over my past but that was not the case. So most of the summer I was in a slump. I don't know why I did this but I decided to block out my feelings hoping they would just go away. It worked for a while but then school started and I guess I had some unfinished business with my mind. Who knew? I just kept blocking it out, ignoring it, pretending that it wasn't happening but guess what it was (it is). It hit me like a ton of bricks because I am a selfish person.  I need to learn how to grow up and handle things like an adult. I'm starting to realize that I do that with a lot of situation. I try to block out all my emotions and when I can't handle it anymore I break. Today I literally just could not handle it anymore and just didn't know what to do other than turn to God. The man I should have whole-heartedly given it up to from the beginning. I was giving him just an ounce when I should have been giving him the whole thing. Honestly a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just need to be more honest with myself and others, you know, we all break at some point and that's okay. I think the key is, are we going to let that emotion tear us down or are we going to rebuild who we are. It's all about rebuilding and realizing that it's going to be okay so that one day instead of just rebuilding we can keep building up. You can either stay in that mentality from the past or you can rebuild your life. Keep building because the past is the past. The future is just right around the corner. Here I leave you with this verse:

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10"

With love,
Sydney

My opinion on Taylor Swift vs Kimye

Taylor Swift as you know has been in a lot of hot water lately. Actually it is understandable because for 7 years this girl has been a hate target. One thing I love about this girl is she always gets back up. I just don't know how she does it because I hurt for her. honestly, I do not think that people know what human is. They do not realize what a mistake is. People do not understand that referring to someone as a B*tch is very hurtful. If  you're in the public eye it's okay for people to treat you any kind of way. Let's say she did lie, fibbed, the truth a little bit. She paid the price, she got called out on it, and she gave her explanation. This whole situation should be over and done with.


But, just because the Kardashians say so it isn't??? Why??

I just don't understand it, how a family like the Kardashians have a right to keep dragging something out. They say the are defending their family. They say they are just bringing out the "snake." They say they have a right to do this because "America's sweetheart" isn't so sweet and people should know. What gives them a right to defend their family and Taylor's friends can not defend her? Who gave them that responsibility? God???

As we get older we handle ourselves differently but it seems like the older the Kardashians get the more attention they want. Right now America is going through so much but they only care about themselves and their publicity. Everything you do should be with grace and love. Music should be the synonym for grace and love. Artist make music for their fans. You should never refer to anyone as a B*tch or any other derogatory word. If Kimye thinks they are ruining Taylor's career let them. Taylors fans stand by her because her music has always stood by them. If you think putting someone down is cool then go right ahead and do it. First Lady Michelle Obama said, "When they go low, we go high." I don't think the Kardashians know exactly what that means but, guess what, I know Taylor Swift does.

I have been bullied on social media and in high school. I know how much it hurts. I've heard those words, "just give up." I just could never give up on myself. I learned that we should never give up no matter how much hate someone has for us. Women shouldn't be pinned against each other. Women should be fighting for each other. I think that is the failed realization on this topic. I am not team Taylor or Team Kimye. I am on the team of the person who feels worthless and not on the one that makes them feel that way.

Syd

A Letter For Presbyterian Youth Triennium 2016

I look back on my life and think about what brought me to where I am today. All the people and the experiences that influenced my journey into adulthood. One thing that hits home for me is Presbyterian Youth Triennium.

Presbyterian Yourh Triennuim happens every 3 years (haha get it tri in Triennium). It is held in Lafayette, Indiana on the Purdue University campus. It is one of the biggest youth conferences, I believe, in the United States. Presbyterians all over the world come to learn, teach, speak, and just have an awesome time with other believers. It is a week long journey but it is a journey that you will never forget. You will make friends from all around the U.S and some of them you will be friends with for life! Most importantly you will grow in your journey with Christ. This is where I became a true believer. My eyes will forever be open to God's presence because of this experience.

When I went to Triennuim I was going into my freshman year of high school and I was not looking forward to it. I didn't know what life would bring me. I was a scared kid. I had heard about Triennuim from so many people. So, when I was ask to go I was fully on board from day one. I wanted to experience something I had never experienced before. Now, when people tell you it's something you will never understand until you go it sounds so cliché. Honestly it's the truth, it is something that someone can't just explain to you. You have to have the courage to set out and see it for yourself.

When I went to Triennium the theme was "I AM". We learned that each and everyone of us has a calling to be something different. That's the beauty of being who we are, God did not make one of us alike. I look back on my past and I think about that all the time. I think about how much I wanted to be like the girl who can get a guy in two seconds or the party guy who knows everyone at school. I think about it and I see that that's not who I am. I am a shy, introverted person who is funny and crazy once you get to know her. I am dedicated with everything I do. I am the friend that I have always wanted someone to be to me. I am one of Gods children who believes he is the key. "I AM".....I think of that and sometimes I want to cry not because I'm sad but because I don't know where I would be without ever hearing that phrase.

So for the Youth that are going to 2016 Youth Triennium take this experience and run with it. Learn as much as you can learn. Sing as loud as you can sing. Do those energizers with as much energy as you can. Have fun! God is giving you this amazing opportunity and I am one to say it will change your life if you let it. Those worship services will literally give you "goosies" and you will feel the presence of the Lord. Small groups will get you connected  with people that have such different perspectives that you will be amazed on how much your knowledge will brighten. Remember this experience is once in a lifetime. Gods presence will be all around and you will be amazed at what that feels like.

I pray you all have a safe trip there and back.

Sydney

Settle

Hello Everybody! Just want to let you know I'm kind of starting over with my blog. The new topic I'll be going over is settling.

Settling is something that will always be there and it will always be in our brains. Settling is a HUGE part of the decision making process. Now, I have one person in my life that I will always love dearly no matter what because we grew up together. He asked me out and I decided that I could not go out with him. I told myself then and I ask myself now, "I hope you did not let the one get away." I just never knew why I didn't want to go out with him.  I just knew in the back of my 15 year old mind that I could not do it. I could not ruin that friendship that could potentially grow into something great. Fast forward to now and I'm seeing him on Instagram, Facebook, and on one of my friend's Snapchat constantly. I can only think  to myself, "WOW he looks good" and "WOW I am such an idiot." Honestly I want to cry when I see him. Sometimes I still do not understand why I never went out with him.

I'm starting to see what I was thinking back when I was just a little bit younger. I was subconsciously thinking I didn't want to settle. Like I said, I love him dearly because we grew up together and I think it would have been perfect if we did end up together. I think I didn't want to play it safe. I didn't want to just end up with the first person I fell  in love with. A wise women once told me, " If it's meant to be, you will find your way back to each other." I know once he reads this, if he reads this, that he will know who he is. I'm really okay with that because I just want people to know what settling can look like.

It will hurt at first but there is always something beautiful at the end of the tunnel. Settling is something we will all go through. We do not have to actually settle if we do not want to. God will always help us with this. If we pray to him he will grant us strength and he will show us the way to Mr. Right and not just to Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right Then.

I ask you to remember to think everything through, pray to God, and if everything doesn't work out then it will be okay. Do not be like me and look back at that one boy and feel regret. Guess what?!? He was just Mr. Right Then. I'm single, I'm happy, and I am feeling a since of empowerment. Yes I like him but hey maybe will meet again at a better time. Sometimes love can feel so right but it is just the wrong time. I think we need to embrace that and just have hope that one day we will find internal happiness.

So....Please never settle. Do what you think is right (heart, mind, and soul). Chase someone that you deserve and isn't toxic for you. Better yet chase someone who is chasing Jesus.  Jesus wants you to have someone who is perfect for you and God will guide you (let him). I know it is easier said then done. Settling is probably one of the hardest thing that I have been through. I have confidence that we all can get through it. This isn't a dating show this is real life and we may not find our happy ending but our happy ending may find us.

Until next time!

xoxo