Seriously, why do I like you? You have been nothing but rude to me. You wont acknowledge my precise anymore. Why do I like you? Is it because you were one of my first friends in college? Is it because you had confidence in me and you believed in me when other people didn't? Is it because I saw you as not only my guy friend but as someone who I could potential see a future with? I don't know?? Maybe....I'm crazy!?! Maybe I just tolerated the first person that gave me attention? I'll be honest I didn't like you at first, hate to burst your bubble.
Maybe I actually started to believe that there was more to life than the hometown boy. I saw you more than just the stereotype "Fuck Boy." I saw you as a man not a boy. I saw you as someone I could look up to and someone I could trust. I saw the potential in you that I don't think a lot of people saw. But now I just see an asshole so why am I still enchanted to see you? Why am I hoping and praying that you are not in love with someone else? Why does my heart, my heart, stop when I see you? I just can not say HI!?! Infatuation? Maybe. Lust? I can see that. Maybe I wanted someone I couldn't have and you were just an easy escape? I can say this, I fell in love with you quicker than I've fallen in love with anybody else. I think that's the scariest part. How do I let this go? How do I move on? I don't know. I only know that I can't get you out of my head but the funny thing about that is....I don't want to.
I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have been thinking about the past and all of the things that made me who I am today. Have you ever heard that old saying, "The more you run away from your past, the faster it will catch you." I never really understood what this saying meant until now. It really started in the summer. I started to experience some anxiety and feelings of anger. I was just so emotional and it was really scary for me. I was taking it out on everyone that was around me. I was just angry at the world because being in my home town was just drawing out everything that I hated about myself. I'm not going go into detail but let's just take note that what happened, happened. I thought I was over it because I moved on. I'm going to an awesome university. I made incredible new friends that care about me. I did what I said I was going to do when I got to college. I honestly thought I was over my past but that was not the case. So most of the summer I was in a slump. I don't know why I did this but I decided to block out my feelings hoping they would just go away. It worked for a while but then school started and I guess I had some unfinished business with my mind. Who knew? I just kept blocking it out, ignoring it, pretending that it wasn't happening but guess what it was (it is). It hit me like a ton of bricks because I am a selfish person. I need to learn how to grow up and handle things like an adult. I'm starting to realize that I do that with a lot of situation. I try to block out all my emotions and when I can't handle it anymore I break. Today I literally just could not handle it anymore and just didn't know what to do other than turn to God. The man I should have whole-heartedly given it up to from the beginning. I was giving him just an ounce when I should have been giving him the whole thing. Honestly a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I just need to be more honest with myself and others, you know, we all break at some point and that's okay. I think the key is, are we going to let that emotion tear us down or are we going to rebuild who we are. It's all about rebuilding and realizing that it's going to be okay so that one day instead of just rebuilding we can keep building up. You can either stay in that mentality from the past or you can rebuild your life. Keep building because the past is the past. The future is just right around the corner. Here I leave you with this verse:
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10"
With love,
Sydney
